The hiding places of sexism

I came across an interesting article that talks about Gender Swapping on the internet. There's google plug-in called Jailbreak the patriarchy which swaps the gender words into the opposite gender and presents the content. I was so amused with this and it gave me one of those moments of – "Oh My God, I can’t believe I didn’t see that!" So I felt compelled to think a bit more about it and write.

I tried it out for myself. Here’s an excerpt from an article on Sheryl Sandberg featured in Time Magazine.

“She says she had misgivings about sharing these family fables because they make her seem bossy, a term she takes issue with. “I notice bossy is applied almost always to little girls,” says Sandberg over lunch (she ordered a Wagyu hot dog with no bun and no relish). “It’s just not used for men. 
In person, Sandberg does not give the impression that she’s bossy. She gives the impression that she was born 43, that she was delivered preloaded with the capacity and will to order people around but also the capacity and will to ensure that they thrive. Now that she is really 43, she has so perfected these skills that merely helping run a $66 billion tech company is not quite enough of a challenge.”

Here’s the swapped version:

“Sandberg tells these stories about himself early in his first book, a memoir–slash–”sort of masculinist manifesto” in which he enjoins men to pursue their careers with more rigor, to engage more energetically in the corporate cook-off, to Lean In—as the book is titled—to the opportunities and challenges of becoming a boss. He says he had misgivings about sharing these family fables because they make him seem bossy, a term he takes issue with. “I notice bossy is applied almost always to little boys,” says Sandberg over lunch (he ordered a Wagyu hot dog with no bun and no relish). “It’s just not used for women.In person he does not give the impression that he’s bossy. He gives the impression that he was born 43, that he was delivered preloaded with the capacity and will to order people around but also the capacity and will to ensure that they thrive. Now that he is really 43, he has so perfected these skills that merely helping run a $66 billion tech company is not quite enough of a challenge.”

There are a few things that struck me here. The whole concept of being a bossy / authoritative person being considered unfeminine & rather unpleasant in women. In the gender swapped piece, I’m pretty sure "Mr. Sandberg" would have said it proudly, unapologetically, feeling all the time like a hero Army General or Commander (think Robert De Niro in Men of Honour! After all we apply lots of management strategies from the army into the corporate world)! I felt weird reading it, because I kept feeling (despite knowing I was reading a toggled version) why would a man have an issue with coming across as bossy or authoritative? That’s the sort of quality they admire in men because it’s considered important to get things done (not that I agree with that, but that’s a common mindset). And then the justification, “but she’s not actually bossy, she also helps people” – in the swapped version of this, I just felt like "Oh good! This guy is a good person / leader" whereas in the female version it felt like “ Oh, bossy (ugh) but can help people get better, maybe she isn’t that bad to work with after all!” I think myself fairly progressive when it comes to feminism, and this was MY internal chatter – again another moment of, “Oh Shucks! Can’t believe that was a code in my brain!! “

It’s again one of those things so deeply embedded in our systems, the concepts of masculinity and femininity; that despite the tremendous shift in context from hunter gather days, we still associate men and women with specific characteristics and stereotype them. A bossy boy / man is sort of a given and even though he may not be liked as much, he won’t have a hard time being respected. A bossy woman is unpleasant and needs to fix herself to be liked more and gain respect. Irrespective of whether she’s caring for an infant at home or running a multi million dollar company!

I also started to think about the language we use at our workplaces. One common trend for example, is the use of the word “guys”. E-mails, conversations, taking a training session – I’ve used this word commonly to address an audience / group which included women.

How about gender swapping this?

“Hey guys!

Wanted to thank you for doing such a wonderful job. Everyone executed his / her piece perfectly! You guys make for an awesome team!”

Swapped version

“Hey girls!

Wanted to thank you for doing such a wonderful job. Everyone executed her / his piece perfectly! You girls make for an awesome team!”

Now imagine a bunch of male employees reading this e-mail from their peer or boss, how would they feel? I even asked around a couple of men, they just gave me the “are you crazy look” and said “of course we won’t feel good”. So why don’t women get offended when they are addressed as guys? I debated with my husband about it, and his take was that it’s possibly because it’s a way of women to feel equal to men after a prolonged period of not being given that place. In the army for instance, women might want to be treated as equal to men and not seen as “girls”, hence they take no offence.

That is probably valid But I think this needs to change. We need to start changing the language we speak, the language we use in our heads and the associations we make. Women have their own unique set of qualities and characteristics and that needs to be respected and given room at the workplace. That’s the true meaning of diversity. It’s not just about including women in a male oriented system and expecting them to change their personalities in order to fit that. We need to think differently about our systems as a whole, what we consider as success and what sort of people we define as role models. Either a bossy boy needs to be considered as unpleasant as a bossy girl, or they should both be equally acceptable in our internal coding of the brain.

There are very subtle details in which sexism can hide and thrive, and we need to keep looking consciously I suppose. I for one want to pay more attention to language I use, because I think that’s an easy way to watch what I’m thinking consciously and subconsciously. A couple of pointers I came up with:

• Use “her / his” with words like “everyone, everybody” rather than just “his” – this is still very common.

• When describing a successful woman, gender swap once in my head what I'm about to say / write. Would I say for example “ She’s very confident & tough in her approach and really gets things done ”. Possibly not. I wouldn’t feel the need to emphasize that about a man because that seems like the norm or a given in some sense for successful men in our culture– confident, tough, ability to get things done. I would probably focus on qualities like “strategic, innovative, long term thinker” to give real praise!! Why should be any different for a woman?

• Take offense if someone addresses a group I am in as “guys” :-)

Must Watch Videos by & for Women

Pretty, by Katie Makkai

I was in tears when I saw this and I suspect I’m going to watch it over and over and over again! The cage of “pretty” is extremely powerful and can contain us and our whole being for our entire lives, without us ever suspecting that we might be wasting our potential to be so much more than “pretty”, that worse, we may not even know that we ought to be enraged by the imprisonment. I hope to run into this video every time I doubt myself based on the most pathetic parameter I can apply to measure my self worth – “pretty”.

 

Sunitha Krishnan on Sex Slavery in India               

One of the bravest women I have seen, a warrior to make every Indian woman proud and hopeful.  This video is a wake up call for anyone who ever thought that the days of human slavery are a thing of the past. And for anyone who had any misplaced ideas about prostitution and what it entails.

 

Eve Ensler on Embracing the Inner Girl

The lovely, the brave and the refreshing Eve Ensler.  While Sheryl Sandberg talks about having to be a Type A go getter to really make it as a success in the corporate world, I’ve always held a bit of a different view. You could also make this a personality debate, but most women, carry a pretty huge, what Ensler calls, the “girl cell”.  But we are living in a world which scoffs at the girl cell, that makes it look like a weakness and a mistake. Men have it, women have it, and unless we acknowledge it and respect it, and make room for it at our workplaces, the campaign on gender diversity will remain a struggle.

Half the Sky, Sheryl Wudunn

The book is a 100 times better, but this is a good snapshot. I have often wondered about the phenomenon of prostitution, how women get there and what it entails. The truth is far from and much more horrific than anything we see in a movie or read in the newspaper. The book half the sky, amongst many other issues,  talks about the business of sex trafficking and how brothel owners and traffickers break young girls by beating, humiliation and drug dependency, so that they eventually lose all hope and comply, for the rest of their lives. It’s scary that one of the largest human slavery phenomena sees such little spotlight and help from the larger world. This video tries to focus on the virtuous cycle that can be created to combat gender discrimination issues though education. The book talks about other issues women across the globe face: Child-birth related deaths, mass rapes during wars, honour killings / rapes and more. It highlights a lot of the work which organizations are currently doing to address these as well.

The book is a must read (I blame it for having a bit of a White Savior Complex, but it it’s a must read anyway). It’s horrifying in what it exposes, but is humbling, eye opening  and something every one who cares about women’s place in the world should read.      

 

 

Morgan Steiner on Domestic Violence

I have been guilty of judging other women sometimes, because I believed that every woman ought to be strong enough to fight for herself, and not feel sorry for her victimization. I have since been greatly humbled, by life and by the amazing women I have met and heard from, who have survived awful miseries, finally rising with courage, but not without soul stealing suffering that preceded the eventual conquest they made.

Megan Kamerick: Women should represent women in media

Pretty interesting insights. The underrepresentation of women in Media ensures that our stories and perspectives aren't told enough, understood enough.

               

Eve Ensler on Security

This one isn’t about women in particular, but none-the-less an extremely profound and hard hitting thought process by an awesome woman. Don’t miss the short interview at the end of the video.

Rising for Women, with Maher

Yesterday marked an important day for me. I was inspired by my company’s founder Roy’s talk at our annual event last year. As he spoke about ThoughtWorks being a company that will continue to focus deeply on social and economic justice, I was wondering how I can, as an individual start to participate in that actively. And that’s when he gave a simple suggestion, “get involved with at least one cause this year” he said. The recent Delhi rape incident really disturbed me and I decided to get actively involved with the cause of helping oppressed women in India, something that has always been close to my heart. And that’s where my involvement with Maher began.

One of the things I want to focus on this year, is to help Maher in whatever ways I can and to get them more visibility and help from TW. TW employees are brilliant and passionate people, who care about social causes, and getting them engaged with Maher would mean opening up new possibilities for Maher. Yesterday that resolve seems to have seen some light.

One Billion Rising is a worldwide movement launched by EveEnsler to rise against the violence against women globally. TW participated in this movement by organizing events in their various offices.  In our office, we invited Maher and their founder Sr. Lucy Kurien. The event started with a street play, performed by the women and children of Maher. This play illustrated the several traumas and injustices that an Indian woman has to go through, right from female feticide, denial of education, dowry deaths, rape and the insult and injustice of the judicial system. This was followed by a Talk Show with Sr Lucy, where she answered questions about Maher’s journey, the challenges they face, the evils of a sexist and discriminating society and the help they need. We then had TWers perform songs and dance, all illustrating different aspects of a woman’s identity. We concluded the day with games for the Maher children and staff, which they thoroughly enjoyed.

While the event was going on, there are few things that crystallized for me.

Active Compassion: Sr. Lucy does not cease to amaze me! Every time I meet her, I am inspired. She started her work out of love and compassion, with no idea of how to deal with the challenges of managing an institution. And it was her will that allowed her to come this far and not give up. To me, she is an embodiment of a perfect balance of compassion and will, both of which have continuously driven her throughout her journey. These 2 elements are clearly visible in how Maher is run, not like an orphanage or a shelter house, but a home, where everyone is treated like a family member, despite all the constraints present. This may sound hard to apply, and it has been, but Sr. Lucy has been an incredible manager and spokesperson, and today Maher is receiving requests from around the world to help NGO’s replicate their operational model. Often, we can swing to one side of the spectrum, we either feel bad for the oppressed and do nothing, or we do things blindly or sheerly from our own viewpoint, completely ignoring the real needs of those we are trying to help. To me Maher and Sr. Lucy are an inspirational example of the perfect balance, which leads to what I call, active compassion. Doing concrete work which is driven by compassion, and focused on the needs of the people we want to help.

A team & a community: Teamwork - This word has become such a cliché in the corporate world that I cringe when I hear it sometimes. But yesterday, I saw it in all its subtlety and all its glory. There were at least 8 to 10 of us who were managing this event collectively. Every person had their part, but no one had defined it for anyone. There was no definitive leader, no single point of contact, it was just a community of passionate people who believed in a cause. The wonder of how an unstructured and undirected team can function effectively unfolded during the event. The execution was impeccable: logistics, timing, performances and hospitality; each of it was just the quantity and quality we needed. I was grateful to have experienced such an awesome team! I was also touched by the generosity of my colleagues - Maher had put up a stall of their products which saw a sale of more than 10,000 INR. Good hearts, brilliant minds!

100 Shades of Sexism: As the street play was being performed and later Sr. Lucy spoke about the kind of women’s issues they deal with, I felt that – well – not sure how to put this one – but like I had rediscovered something I had always known but had conveniently put in the background, where it was invisible and silent. We live in an urban world, a privileged world, where education and freedom for women seem like a normal phenomena. We are so insulated from the realities of a vast majority of Indian women: the poor, the uneducated, the sex workers, the Dalits, and endless other sections. We’d like to believe that caste based oppression, dowry deaths and subjugation of women were things that belong in history textbooks, but the fact is that it’s an everyday reality of our country. I also realized that it’s probably not a knowledge issue, but one of attitude; which is the reason we can carry such beliefs. If I just look around myself I can see it everywhere, if I decide to open my eyes and ears, I’ll see it happening: my house maid, the vegetable hawker down the street, the beggar woman on the sidewalk, and the most horrifying possibility, maybe even in my own home. Sexism and gender discrimination is an ugly reality, whether it manifests in violent and visible forms, or subtle and hidden ways. (check out our movies, ads, the accepted female identity and roles in our society)Yesterday marked a turning point for me, because I cannot live with the convenience anymore, that corner in the background has become vividly visible and I hear it loud and clear!

In service to others, for yourself: One thing that always bothered me is the savior syndrome that the privileged people carry (including me). We think we should save the world and make a difference, which to me is a great motivation to have. But sometimes, there is a subtle sense of pride, maybe even arrogance attached to it, as if we have done the world a huge favor and we have become better than the rest. This is one thing that I hope to personally watch out for in myself. Helping the under privileged is certainly a good thing to do, but its also simply the right thing to do. Just like caring for our environment isn’t a favor we are doing to the planet, it’s just the right thing to do. And it’s also for our own sake’s at the end of the day to be able to survive. And so it is with helping others, we do it as much for ourselves as for others. I hope I will always have the wisdom to remember this.

Keep Rising: The sense of meaning that yesterday’s event brought for me was tremendous and I hope that my colleagues, my friends and I will keep rising in active compassion in this movement.