Unexpected Lessons (part 1)– On Judgment

I've come across a lot of amazing people in my organization. As I have worked with them,  I kept gaining interesting and very deep insights along the way. About work, about values, about our world, so on and so forth. I don’t know whether it was their intention at all, to teach or to make a profound point, but it happened none the less.  Maybe that’s the reason it happened.

I want to talk about the first of these today. I’ll try and do this in a series of sorts – with this being Part 1.

Judgment v/s Discernment

I have been associated with the school of pranic healing for a long time now, and the values that we are encouraged to practice as students, are very deeply ingrained in my heart and mind. One such value is kindness and compassion for others, which according to me is one of the hardest ones to apply and practice in the long term. Our subconscious psychological processes are extremely powerful, just as they are subtle. And before we know it, our mind has scanned the person in front of us, filtering through its biases and prejudices, made snap judgments and popped out a long list of the possible flaws this person is likely to have. Criticism is possibly a survival mechanism, it’s required for us to ensure our safety, but in its unchecked form its just a lot of noise and projection in our heads, mostly done for the heck of it. And being aware of it and controlling it, is one of the things I have found hardest to do.

Being unnecessarily critical and judgmental about others is something that I have aimed to achieve for a long time and along the way, I just came to disliking the whole idea of judging people and criticizing them instead of accepting them for who they are. Having been subjected to the phenomenon myself far too many times, I still cringe when I find it happening around me (not that I don’t indulge in it myself).

My colleague and I were having a conversation around this concept a few months ago, and as he realized that I had shrunk away at the idea of judgment; he smiled knowingly, and said to me – “ Are we talking about judgment or discernment here? There is a difference you know”. That was a profound idea, and as I thought more about it, I felt that while judging people as good or bad is still not something I approve of, discerning whether they are good or bad at “something” or suitable for something is possibly quite important and not harmful at all. Now here is where I find the difference: Judgment seems to me like a decision – conscious or unconscious – on a person’s character or values (good or bad, right or wrong and related categories). It is often done quite subconsciously, whether or not we are aware of it, and its hugely colored with our own world views. While discernment is a conscious & objective assessment of a characteristic or aspect of a person, devoid of any sense of finality and based on a definitive need for the assessment (for example, making a professional decision). Discernment is necessary for making sound choices, while judgment can be an unhealthy mental pattern. 

For example:

X is unprofessional and an irresponsible person! (with the associated sense of anger and superiority)

v/s

X tends to behave unprofessionally and hence may not be appropriate for this role. (objective assessment based on a definitive need)

An interesting point to note here, is that when we act on first impressions, we are usually making a judgment. Even though there may be a legitimate need to make an assessment, and you may not really be making a character or value judgment at all, but I still think that for discernment to take place, you need to spend some time getting to know someone. You need to identify patterns in behavior and thought processes. So another crucial element of discernment is the time invested in getting to know a person, quantitatively and qualitatively.

Its helpful to have this distinction in my head, and I’m much more comfortable with assessing people now, while also being aware of whether I am judging or discerning.

Taking Control & Letting Go: A simple paradox

I woke up this morning, knowing that I could not live with my latent fears gnawing at me in every quiet and empty moment. Knowing that I had to look at them close and hard, that I had to be honest with myself.

So I sat down and made a list, of my deepest fears. These were not things I worried about. This was the heart of all my worries, the reason I worried. The list was short, and very simple. The fears were more basic than I would like to admit.

Take Control: My first instinct was to look at the fears and find ways to cope with them if they materialized. Risk mitigation if you will, financially, health wise, relationship wise. And as I made notes of how I could ensure I can cope in the worst case scenarios, I couldn’t push away the looming sense of uncertainty. I was acutely aware of the fact that no matter what I did and planned, there was every possibility that I might still end up in a crisis, still be faced with what I had come to fear so deeply. I have seen in my own life how the sense of control can be completely illusory, and our make believe can come crashing down in front of us.

I thought back to all the Zen books I had read, all the spiritual teachings I had come across. All the stuff that we can all so easily write off as wishy-washy, was the only thing that seemed like a wise one. Letting go…

Let Go: Sometimes it’s a paradox that eases confusion. Taking control is the practical thing to do, it must be done. But letting go, is the wise thing to do, and something I suspect each one of us will have to do at some point in our lives, because there is only so much that we can actually control. So I must allow life to unfold, in small ways, big ways, profound ways. Every time I see something turning out in a way that I don’t like, my fears will want to grip me again and laugh in my face. But I can just smile right back and say “bring it on”. I can realize that my fears are one dimensional, that when things don’t go the way I want them to, there are just as many opportunities to learn something new, to go beyond my limitations and to master the art of receiving what life brings with courage.

Be inspired: A few months ago, a very dear friend of mine told me her story. She has been married twice, divorced with one husband, widowed with the other, brutally raped by someone she knew and seen financial crises while alone and scared. But she is also one of the brightest, most beautiful and courageous women I know. She is a professional, a social worker, a parent, a lover and a wondrous friend. Inspiration is usually right around the corner, we don’t need to go very far. There are stories of personal courage and power everywhere, because almost every human being is faced with difficulty and we are all wired to survive. My friend is a deep inspiration for me, thinking of her story gives me hope. And helps me remember that we are all survivors.

I am more: I am far more than my  belongings, my job, my ideas, my relationships . I am also far more than my crises. Here is where I draw another contradiction. My crises (or everything else I mentioned) don’t control me, if I don’t let them. I allow life to unfold, I allow things to happen, but I choose how I deal with them. If unpleasant things happen, I choose whether I will do it with courage and faith or with hopelessness and disillusionment.

So perhaps its just a cycle, with a series of the act of taking control and the act of letting go. All I need is the wisdom to know which is the right choice at any given moment in time. 

Letter to myself

  

Moved to my new blog:
https://medium.com/@blackcoffee/letter-to-myself-9746d0217519#.ijd4i9yls