I woke up this morning, knowing that I could not live with my latent fears gnawing at me in every quiet and empty moment. Knowing that I had to look at them close and hard, that I had to be honest with myself.
So I sat down and made a list, of my deepest fears. These
were not things I worried about. This was the heart of all my worries, the
reason I worried. The list was short, and very simple. The fears were more
basic than I would like to admit.
Take Control: My first instinct was to look at the fears and
find ways to cope with them if they materialized. Risk mitigation if you will,
financially, health wise, relationship wise. And as I made notes of how I could
ensure I can cope in the worst case scenarios, I couldn’t push away the looming
sense of uncertainty. I was acutely aware of the fact that no matter what I did
and planned, there was every possibility that I might still end up in a crisis,
still be faced with what I had come to fear so deeply. I have seen in my own
life how the sense of control can be completely illusory, and our make believe
can come crashing down in front of us.
I thought back to all the Zen books I had read, all the
spiritual teachings I had come across. All the stuff that we can all so easily
write off as wishy-washy, was the only thing that seemed like a wise one.
Letting go…
Let Go: Sometimes it’s a paradox that eases confusion. Taking
control is the practical thing to do, it must be done. But letting go, is
the wise thing to do, and something I suspect each one of us will have to do at
some point in our lives, because there is only so much that we can actually
control. So I must allow life to unfold, in small ways, big ways, profound
ways. Every time I see something turning out in a way that I don’t like, my
fears will want to grip me again and laugh in my face. But I can just smile
right back and say “bring it on”. I can realize that my fears are one
dimensional, that when things don’t go the way I want them to, there are just
as many opportunities to learn something new, to go beyond my limitations and
to master the art of receiving what life brings with courage.
Be inspired: A few months ago, a very dear friend of mine
told me her story. She has been married twice, divorced with one husband,
widowed with the other, brutally raped by someone she knew and seen
financial crises while alone and scared. But she is also one of the brightest,
most beautiful and courageous women I know. She is a professional, a social
worker, a parent, a lover and a wondrous friend. Inspiration is usually right
around the corner, we don’t need to go very far. There are stories of personal
courage and power everywhere, because almost every human being is faced with
difficulty and we are all wired to survive. My friend is a deep inspiration for
me, thinking of her story gives me hope. And helps me remember that we are all
survivors.
I am more: I am far more than my belongings, my job, my ideas, my
relationships . I am also far more than my crises. Here is where I draw another
contradiction. My crises (or everything else I mentioned) don’t control me, if
I don’t let them. I allow life to unfold, I allow things to happen, but I
choose how I deal with them. If unpleasant things happen, I choose whether I
will do it with courage and faith or with hopelessness and disillusionment.
So perhaps its just a cycle, with a series of the act of
taking control and the act of letting go. All I need is the wisdom to know
which is the right choice at any given moment in time.
