Impotent Anger or Active Compassion?

As I sat watching the news on the Hyderabad blasts today, the same questions that have long haunted me came back……Why should this happen? Where is the justice in all this? And as my mind waded through potential rationalizations, I could not help but realize, that the only thing worth pursuing, is the quest to make the world a more sensible place, a more humane place (what does humanness mean anyway when it’s the human race that has committed the worst crimes in the history of existence!).

As I stood staring into the dark night, I was aware of the fact that this very moment, there were unimaginable atrocities being committed, in so many parts of the world by so many people. I felt grateful to be part of a system which is founded on the principles of humaneness, of fairness, of justice. Grateful and proud. I was also very aware of how privileged I am to be in a position where one can make a positive difference. I do not use the word privilege lightly here, I recognize and acknowledge it acutely.

And as anger rises in me, I pause and question myself: Is this another bout of impotent anger? An anger that judges, criticizes, seeks to get even? Or active compassion? That empathizes, understands, sees the whole picture and results in a constructive action? It’s up to each one of us what we allow to happen in our hearts and minds in the face of injustice around us isn’t it? It’s up to us to either seethe pointlessly in anger at whatever Gods there might be, or to use our existence to help whatever Gods there might be, to do something good.

What choice will you make today?

I choose to stay committed to the cause of helping and nurturing. I refuse to give in to hopelessness and cynicism. 

Unexpected Lessons (part 1)– On Judgment

I've come across a lot of amazing people in my organization. As I have worked with them,  I kept gaining interesting and very deep insights along the way. About work, about values, about our world, so on and so forth. I don’t know whether it was their intention at all, to teach or to make a profound point, but it happened none the less.  Maybe that’s the reason it happened.

I want to talk about the first of these today. I’ll try and do this in a series of sorts – with this being Part 1.

Judgment v/s Discernment

I have been associated with the school of pranic healing for a long time now, and the values that we are encouraged to practice as students, are very deeply ingrained in my heart and mind. One such value is kindness and compassion for others, which according to me is one of the hardest ones to apply and practice in the long term. Our subconscious psychological processes are extremely powerful, just as they are subtle. And before we know it, our mind has scanned the person in front of us, filtering through its biases and prejudices, made snap judgments and popped out a long list of the possible flaws this person is likely to have. Criticism is possibly a survival mechanism, it’s required for us to ensure our safety, but in its unchecked form its just a lot of noise and projection in our heads, mostly done for the heck of it. And being aware of it and controlling it, is one of the things I have found hardest to do.

Being unnecessarily critical and judgmental about others is something that I have aimed to achieve for a long time and along the way, I just came to disliking the whole idea of judging people and criticizing them instead of accepting them for who they are. Having been subjected to the phenomenon myself far too many times, I still cringe when I find it happening around me (not that I don’t indulge in it myself).

My colleague and I were having a conversation around this concept a few months ago, and as he realized that I had shrunk away at the idea of judgment; he smiled knowingly, and said to me – “ Are we talking about judgment or discernment here? There is a difference you know”. That was a profound idea, and as I thought more about it, I felt that while judging people as good or bad is still not something I approve of, discerning whether they are good or bad at “something” or suitable for something is possibly quite important and not harmful at all. Now here is where I find the difference: Judgment seems to me like a decision – conscious or unconscious – on a person’s character or values (good or bad, right or wrong and related categories). It is often done quite subconsciously, whether or not we are aware of it, and its hugely colored with our own world views. While discernment is a conscious & objective assessment of a characteristic or aspect of a person, devoid of any sense of finality and based on a definitive need for the assessment (for example, making a professional decision). Discernment is necessary for making sound choices, while judgment can be an unhealthy mental pattern. 

For example:

X is unprofessional and an irresponsible person! (with the associated sense of anger and superiority)

v/s

X tends to behave unprofessionally and hence may not be appropriate for this role. (objective assessment based on a definitive need)

An interesting point to note here, is that when we act on first impressions, we are usually making a judgment. Even though there may be a legitimate need to make an assessment, and you may not really be making a character or value judgment at all, but I still think that for discernment to take place, you need to spend some time getting to know someone. You need to identify patterns in behavior and thought processes. So another crucial element of discernment is the time invested in getting to know a person, quantitatively and qualitatively.

Its helpful to have this distinction in my head, and I’m much more comfortable with assessing people now, while also being aware of whether I am judging or discerning.

Rising for Women, with Maher

Yesterday marked an important day for me. I was inspired by my company’s founder Roy’s talk at our annual event last year. As he spoke about ThoughtWorks being a company that will continue to focus deeply on social and economic justice, I was wondering how I can, as an individual start to participate in that actively. And that’s when he gave a simple suggestion, “get involved with at least one cause this year” he said. The recent Delhi rape incident really disturbed me and I decided to get actively involved with the cause of helping oppressed women in India, something that has always been close to my heart. And that’s where my involvement with Maher began.

One of the things I want to focus on this year, is to help Maher in whatever ways I can and to get them more visibility and help from TW. TW employees are brilliant and passionate people, who care about social causes, and getting them engaged with Maher would mean opening up new possibilities for Maher. Yesterday that resolve seems to have seen some light.

One Billion Rising is a worldwide movement launched by EveEnsler to rise against the violence against women globally. TW participated in this movement by organizing events in their various offices.  In our office, we invited Maher and their founder Sr. Lucy Kurien. The event started with a street play, performed by the women and children of Maher. This play illustrated the several traumas and injustices that an Indian woman has to go through, right from female feticide, denial of education, dowry deaths, rape and the insult and injustice of the judicial system. This was followed by a Talk Show with Sr Lucy, where she answered questions about Maher’s journey, the challenges they face, the evils of a sexist and discriminating society and the help they need. We then had TWers perform songs and dance, all illustrating different aspects of a woman’s identity. We concluded the day with games for the Maher children and staff, which they thoroughly enjoyed.

While the event was going on, there are few things that crystallized for me.

Active Compassion: Sr. Lucy does not cease to amaze me! Every time I meet her, I am inspired. She started her work out of love and compassion, with no idea of how to deal with the challenges of managing an institution. And it was her will that allowed her to come this far and not give up. To me, she is an embodiment of a perfect balance of compassion and will, both of which have continuously driven her throughout her journey. These 2 elements are clearly visible in how Maher is run, not like an orphanage or a shelter house, but a home, where everyone is treated like a family member, despite all the constraints present. This may sound hard to apply, and it has been, but Sr. Lucy has been an incredible manager and spokesperson, and today Maher is receiving requests from around the world to help NGO’s replicate their operational model. Often, we can swing to one side of the spectrum, we either feel bad for the oppressed and do nothing, or we do things blindly or sheerly from our own viewpoint, completely ignoring the real needs of those we are trying to help. To me Maher and Sr. Lucy are an inspirational example of the perfect balance, which leads to what I call, active compassion. Doing concrete work which is driven by compassion, and focused on the needs of the people we want to help.

A team & a community: Teamwork - This word has become such a cliché in the corporate world that I cringe when I hear it sometimes. But yesterday, I saw it in all its subtlety and all its glory. There were at least 8 to 10 of us who were managing this event collectively. Every person had their part, but no one had defined it for anyone. There was no definitive leader, no single point of contact, it was just a community of passionate people who believed in a cause. The wonder of how an unstructured and undirected team can function effectively unfolded during the event. The execution was impeccable: logistics, timing, performances and hospitality; each of it was just the quantity and quality we needed. I was grateful to have experienced such an awesome team! I was also touched by the generosity of my colleagues - Maher had put up a stall of their products which saw a sale of more than 10,000 INR. Good hearts, brilliant minds!

100 Shades of Sexism: As the street play was being performed and later Sr. Lucy spoke about the kind of women’s issues they deal with, I felt that – well – not sure how to put this one – but like I had rediscovered something I had always known but had conveniently put in the background, where it was invisible and silent. We live in an urban world, a privileged world, where education and freedom for women seem like a normal phenomena. We are so insulated from the realities of a vast majority of Indian women: the poor, the uneducated, the sex workers, the Dalits, and endless other sections. We’d like to believe that caste based oppression, dowry deaths and subjugation of women were things that belong in history textbooks, but the fact is that it’s an everyday reality of our country. I also realized that it’s probably not a knowledge issue, but one of attitude; which is the reason we can carry such beliefs. If I just look around myself I can see it everywhere, if I decide to open my eyes and ears, I’ll see it happening: my house maid, the vegetable hawker down the street, the beggar woman on the sidewalk, and the most horrifying possibility, maybe even in my own home. Sexism and gender discrimination is an ugly reality, whether it manifests in violent and visible forms, or subtle and hidden ways. (check out our movies, ads, the accepted female identity and roles in our society)Yesterday marked a turning point for me, because I cannot live with the convenience anymore, that corner in the background has become vividly visible and I hear it loud and clear!

In service to others, for yourself: One thing that always bothered me is the savior syndrome that the privileged people carry (including me). We think we should save the world and make a difference, which to me is a great motivation to have. But sometimes, there is a subtle sense of pride, maybe even arrogance attached to it, as if we have done the world a huge favor and we have become better than the rest. This is one thing that I hope to personally watch out for in myself. Helping the under privileged is certainly a good thing to do, but its also simply the right thing to do. Just like caring for our environment isn’t a favor we are doing to the planet, it’s just the right thing to do. And it’s also for our own sake’s at the end of the day to be able to survive. And so it is with helping others, we do it as much for ourselves as for others. I hope I will always have the wisdom to remember this.

Keep Rising: The sense of meaning that yesterday’s event brought for me was tremendous and I hope that my colleagues, my friends and I will keep rising in active compassion in this movement.

Taking Control & Letting Go: A simple paradox

I woke up this morning, knowing that I could not live with my latent fears gnawing at me in every quiet and empty moment. Knowing that I had to look at them close and hard, that I had to be honest with myself.

So I sat down and made a list, of my deepest fears. These were not things I worried about. This was the heart of all my worries, the reason I worried. The list was short, and very simple. The fears were more basic than I would like to admit.

Take Control: My first instinct was to look at the fears and find ways to cope with them if they materialized. Risk mitigation if you will, financially, health wise, relationship wise. And as I made notes of how I could ensure I can cope in the worst case scenarios, I couldn’t push away the looming sense of uncertainty. I was acutely aware of the fact that no matter what I did and planned, there was every possibility that I might still end up in a crisis, still be faced with what I had come to fear so deeply. I have seen in my own life how the sense of control can be completely illusory, and our make believe can come crashing down in front of us.

I thought back to all the Zen books I had read, all the spiritual teachings I had come across. All the stuff that we can all so easily write off as wishy-washy, was the only thing that seemed like a wise one. Letting go…

Let Go: Sometimes it’s a paradox that eases confusion. Taking control is the practical thing to do, it must be done. But letting go, is the wise thing to do, and something I suspect each one of us will have to do at some point in our lives, because there is only so much that we can actually control. So I must allow life to unfold, in small ways, big ways, profound ways. Every time I see something turning out in a way that I don’t like, my fears will want to grip me again and laugh in my face. But I can just smile right back and say “bring it on”. I can realize that my fears are one dimensional, that when things don’t go the way I want them to, there are just as many opportunities to learn something new, to go beyond my limitations and to master the art of receiving what life brings with courage.

Be inspired: A few months ago, a very dear friend of mine told me her story. She has been married twice, divorced with one husband, widowed with the other, brutally raped by someone she knew and seen financial crises while alone and scared. But she is also one of the brightest, most beautiful and courageous women I know. She is a professional, a social worker, a parent, a lover and a wondrous friend. Inspiration is usually right around the corner, we don’t need to go very far. There are stories of personal courage and power everywhere, because almost every human being is faced with difficulty and we are all wired to survive. My friend is a deep inspiration for me, thinking of her story gives me hope. And helps me remember that we are all survivors.

I am more: I am far more than my  belongings, my job, my ideas, my relationships . I am also far more than my crises. Here is where I draw another contradiction. My crises (or everything else I mentioned) don’t control me, if I don’t let them. I allow life to unfold, I allow things to happen, but I choose how I deal with them. If unpleasant things happen, I choose whether I will do it with courage and faith or with hopelessness and disillusionment.

So perhaps its just a cycle, with a series of the act of taking control and the act of letting go. All I need is the wisdom to know which is the right choice at any given moment in time.