Small Comforts, Big Hearts: An Afternoon with the Maher Kids

Yesterday, 2 of my colleagues (Nikita & Dhaval) and some our friends visited the Maher center . The idea was to get together with the kids and play some games with them. The kids who are currently at the center are the ones who have no relatives whatsoever and hence are the only ones are who left behind at the center during the summer vacation. Some of the kids have distant relatives or short term adoptive families who take them away for a few days of vacation.

We were all greeted by the traditional Maher welcome song, with the kids all bunched up, singing in their clumsy yet extremely endearing way, running up to hug us every few seconds. Some of them would refuse to let go, they’d just hold on, cling to you, look up at your face with those big innocent eyes, which had nothing but joy and a touch of mischief in them! While the sentimental ones among us were fighting back their tears, the kids dragged us towards the other compound in their excitement so we could begin our games.

Nikita was leading the effort, so she and her friends began with games that I had played a as a child, in the days when it was cool and fun to go out in the backyard and play loud, jumpy games with your friends rather than a videogame in an air conditioned room. (Yea I sound like an old hag reminiscing about the “good old days” but it’s true).

 Being with the kids was as always, a reminder of my own privilege for me, and the realities I so often forget about the world we live in. It was amazing to see how much fun the kids could have by just being together; no fancy equipment, no jazzy toys. Just an old, bare compound which came alive with the laughter and cheering of kids playing with a ball and a bunch of small rocks! I couldn’t help but think, here I am, with all my worries and disappointments, feeling sorry for the things the media or the powerful people tell me I ought to have (power, personality, beauty, respect etc etc) , but with everything a person could ask for for the sake of a comfortable life. And I juxtaposed myself against these kids, who had nothing but a community home, 3 basic meals a day and the bare necessities to get by in life. And I realized that they had so much more of the stuff that really mattered.

They had gratitude. For a bunch of strangers who they may never even see again, but they overflowed with joy and made us feel like celebrities. They clung to us, kissed our cheeks, wanted to be held & hugged, wanted to pose with us for pictures, joked around with us as if we had been friends for years and would continue to be. They were as excited and happy to be with us as we might be to see Al Pacino (well you can sneer all you want, I LIKE him :P , he’s awesome, you can pick your own).

They had the capacity to laugh. Endlessly, joyfully, ever so readily. They didn’t care if you cracked a smart & witty joke, they didn’t weigh whether the humour of what was happening or being said was worth their laughter & smiles. They laughed just because we were there with them, and a part of the fun. I don’t remember the last time I could do that, just laugh & express joy because someone was kind to me and cared enough to be around. Just for a couple of hours.

They had faith. They trusted life. Life has been far more unfair to these kids than to me or most people I know. Some of them have witnessed horrors that no child ought ever to see, their mothers being burnt, their fathers being killed, themselves being beaten and abused, being left to starve and die. And yet, each one of the kids had the energy of all 8 of us adults put together. They wanted to sing and dance, show off their talents, or just jump around and be silly! They showed no trace of fear in their voice or their eyes, all one could see was buckets full of life poured into each one of them, barely contained. They knew there was going to be a tomorrow, they knew theey were going to laugh and be happy, just as they were now.

They had more of all this than I have had in such a long time: gratitude, faith, courage, joy.

Despite the searing heat, it was a great few hours that we spent with them, and they looked forward to seeing us again. On the way back, as all of us were chatting about just how awe inspiring the kids were, the thought running through my head was this – those of us to take the time to serve others might think that we are doing them a favor by serving them, that somehow it makes us better than others, a good moral example of what we ought to be. But the truth is, those we serve are actually the ones who are serving us, they open our eyes to a bigger reality, they teach us that there is no connection between heartfelt joy and the possessions / comforts one has, they show us how much more we are yet to learn about ourselves and about life and they make us see our own potential for courage and joy. So, it’s us who ought to be grateful, for everything we get to feel and see through them. And so I shall remain, ever grateful to these great little kids!

Ranting with Calvin & Hobbes

Moved to my new blog:
Visit my blog: https://medium.com/@blackcoffee

Must Watch Videos by & for Women

Pretty, by Katie Makkai

I was in tears when I saw this and I suspect I’m going to watch it over and over and over again! The cage of “pretty” is extremely powerful and can contain us and our whole being for our entire lives, without us ever suspecting that we might be wasting our potential to be so much more than “pretty”, that worse, we may not even know that we ought to be enraged by the imprisonment. I hope to run into this video every time I doubt myself based on the most pathetic parameter I can apply to measure my self worth – “pretty”.

 

Sunitha Krishnan on Sex Slavery in India               

One of the bravest women I have seen, a warrior to make every Indian woman proud and hopeful.  This video is a wake up call for anyone who ever thought that the days of human slavery are a thing of the past. And for anyone who had any misplaced ideas about prostitution and what it entails.

 

Eve Ensler on Embracing the Inner Girl

The lovely, the brave and the refreshing Eve Ensler.  While Sheryl Sandberg talks about having to be a Type A go getter to really make it as a success in the corporate world, I’ve always held a bit of a different view. You could also make this a personality debate, but most women, carry a pretty huge, what Ensler calls, the “girl cell”.  But we are living in a world which scoffs at the girl cell, that makes it look like a weakness and a mistake. Men have it, women have it, and unless we acknowledge it and respect it, and make room for it at our workplaces, the campaign on gender diversity will remain a struggle.

Half the Sky, Sheryl Wudunn

The book is a 100 times better, but this is a good snapshot. I have often wondered about the phenomenon of prostitution, how women get there and what it entails. The truth is far from and much more horrific than anything we see in a movie or read in the newspaper. The book half the sky, amongst many other issues,  talks about the business of sex trafficking and how brothel owners and traffickers break young girls by beating, humiliation and drug dependency, so that they eventually lose all hope and comply, for the rest of their lives. It’s scary that one of the largest human slavery phenomena sees such little spotlight and help from the larger world. This video tries to focus on the virtuous cycle that can be created to combat gender discrimination issues though education. The book talks about other issues women across the globe face: Child-birth related deaths, mass rapes during wars, honour killings / rapes and more. It highlights a lot of the work which organizations are currently doing to address these as well.

The book is a must read (I blame it for having a bit of a White Savior Complex, but it it’s a must read anyway). It’s horrifying in what it exposes, but is humbling, eye opening  and something every one who cares about women’s place in the world should read.      

 

 

Morgan Steiner on Domestic Violence

I have been guilty of judging other women sometimes, because I believed that every woman ought to be strong enough to fight for herself, and not feel sorry for her victimization. I have since been greatly humbled, by life and by the amazing women I have met and heard from, who have survived awful miseries, finally rising with courage, but not without soul stealing suffering that preceded the eventual conquest they made.

Megan Kamerick: Women should represent women in media

Pretty interesting insights. The underrepresentation of women in Media ensures that our stories and perspectives aren't told enough, understood enough.

               

Eve Ensler on Security

This one isn’t about women in particular, but none-the-less an extremely profound and hard hitting thought process by an awesome woman. Don’t miss the short interview at the end of the video.

Visit to Angels Orphanage

One of the things we want to do at our grad training program this year, is to enable the grads to start their journey around Social & Economic Justice at the company. While we have classroom sessions and discussions around this pillar, we also wanted to tie it up with an experience. With this in mind, we visited Angels Orphanage during this term.

A key idea behind the trip was to get our grads exposed to what life can be like in a less privileged / underprivileged section of society, and the fact that given our own privilege how important , and often difficult it is for us to try and understand worlds that our different from our own, with much lesser or none of that privilege in it. And then reflect on our obligation to do something about it.

Sabina, the Director and Primary Caretaker,  recommended that spending time with the children and taking them out for half a day on a picnic like event is something they would appreciate at the moment. It was a touching, inspiring and thought provoking day for me.

The grads took complete ownership of planning the details of how they would engage with the children. We arrived on Saturday morning at about 9 am at Angels, to a really warm welcome by the children and Sabina. They showed us around the place , and Sabina couldn’t stop expressing her gratitude to TW – in every second sentence that she spoke, she talked about how so much of what she had done was made possible by help from ThoughtWorkers, whether it was the dining area she is currently building, her small office come bed-room or the equipment she uses to get her work done. She was super excited about the new mini garden she is creating, with medicinal plants and herbs and how she can make good use of all of these for her children. Sabina talked to the grads about her journey with Angels, how she started and what challenges she is currently facing, the major one being that the property lease for the orphanage expires in 8 years and the fact that she needs to figure a way out to tackle this.

We then headed out – 29 of us - grads and trainers, along with 50 children and Sabina; towards Cubbon Park – nice, expansive, green. The grads put up their respective booths so to speak and we started what was probably a touching and memorable Saturday morning for all of us.

At one booth, the grads taught kids how to make bracelets, necklaces and other trinkets. They also taught them to make paintings with water colors, some kids did a really neat job while the others joyfully scribbled with crayons and splashed the paints away! Either way they went around showing off their awesome creations! I can’t not mention a certain trainer whose new found passion is to draw and sketch – he looked like a pro artist as he stood seriously and focused on his subjects (trees et al). He wasn’t the only one, Arun, a child from Angels decided to sketch a portrait of him while he was made to stand strictly still! 

The dance booth was an instant hit, attracting curious and mildly surprised onlookers. From Bollywood item numbers to the Gangnam Style, the kids quickly took over, teaching the grads new moves and laughing at them for not getting it! I remember the grads desperately trying to keep up with the hip moves and finally getting it after a few embarrassing tries!!

The sports folks didn’t have a booth at all, it was all over the place and a super hit! Sports! Cricket, Soccer, Skipping and just random running around for the heck of it! While the grads were out of breath, exhausted and begging for a break after an hour, the kids completely refused to give up. Some of them actually dragged the grads up by their hands and made them run around in or play strange new games with them (grads struggling to figure them out), including trying to climb up trees real high just to scare the onlookers! It wasn’t long before several other visitors just joined into the games and merrily played along with the children!

With all the fun and action around, I spent some time with Sabina, talking to her about her struggles and getting inspired with her journey. She has dedicated her life to these children and there isn’t a moment in her life that she isn’t thinking about their welfare. I caught glimpses of her looking pensive with the worry lines suddenly appearing on her face, when she wasn’t talking to a child, and I couldn’t help wondering what she was thinking about. Was she thinking about the lease expiration and what she’s going to do about it? Or was she thinking about her next doctor’s visit she had to make for her health condition (she is diabetic)? Or was she thinking in quick succession about each of her 50 children and how to ensure a safe and good future for them? 

I also wondered what questions the grads were asking themselves. We had all seen the building where the children live and the consequent constraints they face on a day-to-day basis, we knew some and we could imagine others. And yet they were strong and confident beings, all so full of life! It certainly made me reflect on all the complaints I make despite the comforts I have.I do believe the grads came back with inspired hearts too, for as I write this post, they are busy making plans about how to spend another productive yet fun weekend with the children – a completely voluntary effort.

While we ended our first trip with everyone eating a quick lunch together, it was really the beginning of what will hopefully be a long and inspiring journey for many of us! There is a lot more for each of us to do.

Impotent Anger or Active Compassion?

As I sat watching the news on the Hyderabad blasts today, the same questions that have long haunted me came back……Why should this happen? Where is the justice in all this? And as my mind waded through potential rationalizations, I could not help but realize, that the only thing worth pursuing, is the quest to make the world a more sensible place, a more humane place (what does humanness mean anyway when it’s the human race that has committed the worst crimes in the history of existence!).

As I stood staring into the dark night, I was aware of the fact that this very moment, there were unimaginable atrocities being committed, in so many parts of the world by so many people. I felt grateful to be part of a system which is founded on the principles of humaneness, of fairness, of justice. Grateful and proud. I was also very aware of how privileged I am to be in a position where one can make a positive difference. I do not use the word privilege lightly here, I recognize and acknowledge it acutely.

And as anger rises in me, I pause and question myself: Is this another bout of impotent anger? An anger that judges, criticizes, seeks to get even? Or active compassion? That empathizes, understands, sees the whole picture and results in a constructive action? It’s up to each one of us what we allow to happen in our hearts and minds in the face of injustice around us isn’t it? It’s up to us to either seethe pointlessly in anger at whatever Gods there might be, or to use our existence to help whatever Gods there might be, to do something good.

What choice will you make today?

I choose to stay committed to the cause of helping and nurturing. I refuse to give in to hopelessness and cynicism. 

Unexpected Lessons (part 1)– On Judgment

I've come across a lot of amazing people in my organization. As I have worked with them,  I kept gaining interesting and very deep insights along the way. About work, about values, about our world, so on and so forth. I don’t know whether it was their intention at all, to teach or to make a profound point, but it happened none the less.  Maybe that’s the reason it happened.

I want to talk about the first of these today. I’ll try and do this in a series of sorts – with this being Part 1.

Judgment v/s Discernment

I have been associated with the school of pranic healing for a long time now, and the values that we are encouraged to practice as students, are very deeply ingrained in my heart and mind. One such value is kindness and compassion for others, which according to me is one of the hardest ones to apply and practice in the long term. Our subconscious psychological processes are extremely powerful, just as they are subtle. And before we know it, our mind has scanned the person in front of us, filtering through its biases and prejudices, made snap judgments and popped out a long list of the possible flaws this person is likely to have. Criticism is possibly a survival mechanism, it’s required for us to ensure our safety, but in its unchecked form its just a lot of noise and projection in our heads, mostly done for the heck of it. And being aware of it and controlling it, is one of the things I have found hardest to do.

Being unnecessarily critical and judgmental about others is something that I have aimed to achieve for a long time and along the way, I just came to disliking the whole idea of judging people and criticizing them instead of accepting them for who they are. Having been subjected to the phenomenon myself far too many times, I still cringe when I find it happening around me (not that I don’t indulge in it myself).

My colleague and I were having a conversation around this concept a few months ago, and as he realized that I had shrunk away at the idea of judgment; he smiled knowingly, and said to me – “ Are we talking about judgment or discernment here? There is a difference you know”. That was a profound idea, and as I thought more about it, I felt that while judging people as good or bad is still not something I approve of, discerning whether they are good or bad at “something” or suitable for something is possibly quite important and not harmful at all. Now here is where I find the difference: Judgment seems to me like a decision – conscious or unconscious – on a person’s character or values (good or bad, right or wrong and related categories). It is often done quite subconsciously, whether or not we are aware of it, and its hugely colored with our own world views. While discernment is a conscious & objective assessment of a characteristic or aspect of a person, devoid of any sense of finality and based on a definitive need for the assessment (for example, making a professional decision). Discernment is necessary for making sound choices, while judgment can be an unhealthy mental pattern. 

For example:

X is unprofessional and an irresponsible person! (with the associated sense of anger and superiority)

v/s

X tends to behave unprofessionally and hence may not be appropriate for this role. (objective assessment based on a definitive need)

An interesting point to note here, is that when we act on first impressions, we are usually making a judgment. Even though there may be a legitimate need to make an assessment, and you may not really be making a character or value judgment at all, but I still think that for discernment to take place, you need to spend some time getting to know someone. You need to identify patterns in behavior and thought processes. So another crucial element of discernment is the time invested in getting to know a person, quantitatively and qualitatively.

Its helpful to have this distinction in my head, and I’m much more comfortable with assessing people now, while also being aware of whether I am judging or discerning.

Rising for Women, with Maher

Yesterday marked an important day for me. I was inspired by my company’s founder Roy’s talk at our annual event last year. As he spoke about ThoughtWorks being a company that will continue to focus deeply on social and economic justice, I was wondering how I can, as an individual start to participate in that actively. And that’s when he gave a simple suggestion, “get involved with at least one cause this year” he said. The recent Delhi rape incident really disturbed me and I decided to get actively involved with the cause of helping oppressed women in India, something that has always been close to my heart. And that’s where my involvement with Maher began.

One of the things I want to focus on this year, is to help Maher in whatever ways I can and to get them more visibility and help from TW. TW employees are brilliant and passionate people, who care about social causes, and getting them engaged with Maher would mean opening up new possibilities for Maher. Yesterday that resolve seems to have seen some light.

One Billion Rising is a worldwide movement launched by EveEnsler to rise against the violence against women globally. TW participated in this movement by organizing events in their various offices.  In our office, we invited Maher and their founder Sr. Lucy Kurien. The event started with a street play, performed by the women and children of Maher. This play illustrated the several traumas and injustices that an Indian woman has to go through, right from female feticide, denial of education, dowry deaths, rape and the insult and injustice of the judicial system. This was followed by a Talk Show with Sr Lucy, where she answered questions about Maher’s journey, the challenges they face, the evils of a sexist and discriminating society and the help they need. We then had TWers perform songs and dance, all illustrating different aspects of a woman’s identity. We concluded the day with games for the Maher children and staff, which they thoroughly enjoyed.

While the event was going on, there are few things that crystallized for me.

Active Compassion: Sr. Lucy does not cease to amaze me! Every time I meet her, I am inspired. She started her work out of love and compassion, with no idea of how to deal with the challenges of managing an institution. And it was her will that allowed her to come this far and not give up. To me, she is an embodiment of a perfect balance of compassion and will, both of which have continuously driven her throughout her journey. These 2 elements are clearly visible in how Maher is run, not like an orphanage or a shelter house, but a home, where everyone is treated like a family member, despite all the constraints present. This may sound hard to apply, and it has been, but Sr. Lucy has been an incredible manager and spokesperson, and today Maher is receiving requests from around the world to help NGO’s replicate their operational model. Often, we can swing to one side of the spectrum, we either feel bad for the oppressed and do nothing, or we do things blindly or sheerly from our own viewpoint, completely ignoring the real needs of those we are trying to help. To me Maher and Sr. Lucy are an inspirational example of the perfect balance, which leads to what I call, active compassion. Doing concrete work which is driven by compassion, and focused on the needs of the people we want to help.

A team & a community: Teamwork - This word has become such a cliché in the corporate world that I cringe when I hear it sometimes. But yesterday, I saw it in all its subtlety and all its glory. There were at least 8 to 10 of us who were managing this event collectively. Every person had their part, but no one had defined it for anyone. There was no definitive leader, no single point of contact, it was just a community of passionate people who believed in a cause. The wonder of how an unstructured and undirected team can function effectively unfolded during the event. The execution was impeccable: logistics, timing, performances and hospitality; each of it was just the quantity and quality we needed. I was grateful to have experienced such an awesome team! I was also touched by the generosity of my colleagues - Maher had put up a stall of their products which saw a sale of more than 10,000 INR. Good hearts, brilliant minds!

100 Shades of Sexism: As the street play was being performed and later Sr. Lucy spoke about the kind of women’s issues they deal with, I felt that – well – not sure how to put this one – but like I had rediscovered something I had always known but had conveniently put in the background, where it was invisible and silent. We live in an urban world, a privileged world, where education and freedom for women seem like a normal phenomena. We are so insulated from the realities of a vast majority of Indian women: the poor, the uneducated, the sex workers, the Dalits, and endless other sections. We’d like to believe that caste based oppression, dowry deaths and subjugation of women were things that belong in history textbooks, but the fact is that it’s an everyday reality of our country. I also realized that it’s probably not a knowledge issue, but one of attitude; which is the reason we can carry such beliefs. If I just look around myself I can see it everywhere, if I decide to open my eyes and ears, I’ll see it happening: my house maid, the vegetable hawker down the street, the beggar woman on the sidewalk, and the most horrifying possibility, maybe even in my own home. Sexism and gender discrimination is an ugly reality, whether it manifests in violent and visible forms, or subtle and hidden ways. (check out our movies, ads, the accepted female identity and roles in our society)Yesterday marked a turning point for me, because I cannot live with the convenience anymore, that corner in the background has become vividly visible and I hear it loud and clear!

In service to others, for yourself: One thing that always bothered me is the savior syndrome that the privileged people carry (including me). We think we should save the world and make a difference, which to me is a great motivation to have. But sometimes, there is a subtle sense of pride, maybe even arrogance attached to it, as if we have done the world a huge favor and we have become better than the rest. This is one thing that I hope to personally watch out for in myself. Helping the under privileged is certainly a good thing to do, but its also simply the right thing to do. Just like caring for our environment isn’t a favor we are doing to the planet, it’s just the right thing to do. And it’s also for our own sake’s at the end of the day to be able to survive. And so it is with helping others, we do it as much for ourselves as for others. I hope I will always have the wisdom to remember this.

Keep Rising: The sense of meaning that yesterday’s event brought for me was tremendous and I hope that my colleagues, my friends and I will keep rising in active compassion in this movement.